My Spouses's Affair Led to a Child

QUESTION: 

My husband has fathered a child outside of marriage. How do I deal with this?

ANSWER: 

Healing from the effects of infidelity is challenging enough but when that affair produced a child the process becomes even more complicated. Nonetheless, healing is possible and your marriage can thrive with time and the right guidance. Here are a few suggestions to help on your journey:

1.       Pray. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Nothing has helped me more, particularly in times of stress, then prayer. The Bible tells us that God is a present help in our time of need. Pray as often as you can and also consider getting a prayer partner who can pray with you in this area.

2.       Be honest about your feelings. Don’t pretend that everything is okay if it is not. Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness can quickly settle in the heart of one that pretends nothing is wrong. Therefore, it will be especially important to be talk with your husband about your feelings and take the time to understand his. 
 

3.       Let the past be the past. The opposite of #2 is bringing up your husband’s affair every time you’re angry with him (which in this case may be often). That is equally as unhealthy. How would you feel if God reminded you of your mistakes every time you prayed? Not so good I’m sure, so don’t do it to your husband. Ask God to help you forgive so that you are able to remember the affair without the pain.

4.       Seek outside help. Regular meetings with your Pastor, a marital therapist, and/or individual therapy are all venues designed to help you sort out your feelings of anger, disappointment, and sadness. You might also seek out a support group or read books related to this issue.  Marriage Under Cover by Bob and Audrey Meisner would be a great resource. Their story is similar to yours except Audrey became pregnant after an affair.

5.       Maintain a healthy relationship with the child. Others who have been in your shoes sometimes find it challenging to love the child of an affair. If that is true for you, pray that God helps you to see him/her as a blessing.  The bible tells us that children are an inheritance from the Lord and that He has great plans for every person created, including your stepchild. My hope is that you and your husband will be a positive influence on his/her physical, emotional, and spiritual development.

6.       Work to build the trust. This will take time and much sacrifice but every small sacrifice will matter. One way to help this process along might be that your husband limits his contact with the mother of his child. In my opinion, all interactions should be child-focused. Maintaining a “friendship” with this woman would be unnecessary and a hindrance the trust-building process.  

All the best to you and I wish you good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste