I Want to Cheat! Cry for Help or Brazen Arrogance?

QUESTION

How do you deal with a spouse who tells you they would like to have extramarital affairs? Both spouses love each other and do not want a divorce, but what is the solution, if any?

ANSWER

Hum… very interesting question. I don’t know whether to tell you to run or applaud your spouse for his/her honesty.

But seriously, my first thought was to suggest that this “confession” was a cry for help, but when I presented this scenario to my husband his take was all together different. So here are our views.

1.       The Cry for Help Scenario (Dr. Celeste): When two are in relationship they come to interact in a way that is specific to them; a dance of sorts. When this dance is dysfunctional, it can be devastating to the psyche and emotional health of the couple. Sometimes in an effort to shake things up one spouse will do or say something drastic (e.g., I would like to have an extramarital affair; I am going to commit suicide if you leave me, etc.). These extreme moments only offer brief relief from the status quo because when the drama has passed, without the proper intervention the dance picks back up right where it left off.

In terms of gender, women are typically more prone to the cry for help style of communicating while men generally say what they mean. Of course this is not true across the board just a generalization used to provide a frame of reference.

What’s most important is that you begin to understand your relationship and how the two of you communicate, either verbally or non-verbally. Look out for patterns and make a conscious effort to respond differently. It is a fact that when one person changes it forces the other person to change as well.

2.       The “We Teach People How to Treat Us” Scenario (Andel Owens): From the very start of a relationship we teach people how to treat us. Through both word and deed, we demonstrate to others how much or how little we value ourselves. If we allow a people to mistreat or take advantage of us at the beginning of a relationship, they will typically continue that behavior on into the relationship. What’s even worst, the maltreatment often increases over time. For that reason, Andel suggests that the foundation for mistreatment in this marriage started way before the confession.

So here are some questions to ponder. Is this confession just brazen arrogance? Can one actually believe that he/she can cheat and remain married like nothing ever happened? In most cases no, but in a marriage where one person has failed to put up proper boundaries this type of behavior can flourish.  

However, there is hope. We would suggest that you pray and ask the Spirit to guide you. Proverbs 3:6 reads, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” God knows what you need to do, so ask. Also, I prayer that I often say is, “God show me me.” It’s a powerful prayer that has helped me to view my problems from a different vantage point. I hope it does the same for you.

Lastly, seek outside help from a counselor, close friend, or minister. Isolation is not your friend with such challenges you are experiencing, so seek help. Remember, your marriage can thrive and do a new dance with the proper guidance.

Perhaps you have an alternative viewpoint or would simply like to add to the discussion. Please feel free to comment below.

We are wishing you good success on your journey,
Dr. Celeste and my favorite guy in the whole wide world Andel J

My Spouses's Affair Led to a Child

QUESTION: 

My husband has fathered a child outside of marriage. How do I deal with this?

ANSWER: 

Healing from the effects of infidelity is challenging enough but when that affair produced a child the process becomes even more complicated. Nonetheless, healing is possible and your marriage can thrive with time and the right guidance. Here are a few suggestions to help on your journey:

1.       Pray. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. Nothing has helped me more, particularly in times of stress, then prayer. The Bible tells us that God is a present help in our time of need. Pray as often as you can and also consider getting a prayer partner who can pray with you in this area.

2.       Be honest about your feelings. Don’t pretend that everything is okay if it is not. Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness can quickly settle in the heart of one that pretends nothing is wrong. Therefore, it will be especially important to be talk with your husband about your feelings and take the time to understand his. 
 

3.       Let the past be the past. The opposite of #2 is bringing up your husband’s affair every time you’re angry with him (which in this case may be often). That is equally as unhealthy. How would you feel if God reminded you of your mistakes every time you prayed? Not so good I’m sure, so don’t do it to your husband. Ask God to help you forgive so that you are able to remember the affair without the pain.

4.       Seek outside help. Regular meetings with your Pastor, a marital therapist, and/or individual therapy are all venues designed to help you sort out your feelings of anger, disappointment, and sadness. You might also seek out a support group or read books related to this issue.  Marriage Under Cover by Bob and Audrey Meisner would be a great resource. Their story is similar to yours except Audrey became pregnant after an affair.

5.       Maintain a healthy relationship with the child. Others who have been in your shoes sometimes find it challenging to love the child of an affair. If that is true for you, pray that God helps you to see him/her as a blessing.  The bible tells us that children are an inheritance from the Lord and that He has great plans for every person created, including your stepchild. My hope is that you and your husband will be a positive influence on his/her physical, emotional, and spiritual development.

6.       Work to build the trust. This will take time and much sacrifice but every small sacrifice will matter. One way to help this process along might be that your husband limits his contact with the mother of his child. In my opinion, all interactions should be child-focused. Maintaining a “friendship” with this woman would be unnecessary and a hindrance the trust-building process.  

All the best to you and I wish you good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste

Cheating Spouse?

Question: 

I think my husband is cheating or thinking of cheating. How do I approach him?

Answer: 

If you are just “thinking” that he is cheating, I recommend that you delay approaching him until you have some proof.  The negative ramifications associated with accusing him of something he may not be guilty of are great. Specifically, you run the risk of hurting him deeply with your mistrust.  As a consequence, the process of re-building the trust could prove not worth the momentary peace of mind you get from confronting him.

Therefore, I would suggest you first take a moment to explore the possible “whys” behind your suspicions:

1.       Female Intuition. There is something to be said for female intuition: that sixth sense that things aren’t quite right. However, in this case—with so much at stake—proof, to back up your accusations, would be ideal. Proverbs 10:19 tells us, “The wise measure their words” and in Proverbs 3:6 we are thus instructed, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” In other words, less talk and more prayer is the way to success in this area. Therefore, God for guidance; He will come through.
       I know a woman who suspected her husband of cheating. She prayed and a few days later she found a condom floating in her toilet. She pondered that occurrence for a few days and was given further proof of her husband’s indiscretions when she arrived home early from work and found him in the house with another woman. God answered her prayer and will do the same for you if you ask.

2.       Insecurity.  If your suspicions of your husband are in any way driven by insecurity, you need to acknowledge that and make strides to improve your sense of self-worth. When a person is insecure, he/she needs constant reassurance that they are loved and this behavior puts a strain on the relationship and your ability to grow as a couple. Be advised that your husband can’t handle nor fix your insecurities, only God can do this. A prayer that I often pray is “God show me me.” It works. When He shows me myself, I believe Him and work towards improving. 

3.       Fear. Closely tied to insecurity is fear. Fear is a powerful de-motivator and will cause us to act inappropriately. The scripture reminds us, “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). Therefore, gather all of your fears and heap them before the Lord in prayer. He will give you peace so that you can make a wise and godly decision for your marriage.

Well that’s my two cents. Please let me know your thoughts by commenting below.

I am wishing you good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste

My Husband Has Left Me

Question:

 My husband decided to leave me for someone else. What do I do now?

Answer:

I’m sorry to hear that your husband has left you. Although I don’t know what lead up to his leaving, I do know that God doesn’t want you wallowing in pity or putting your life on hold. He desires that you to succeed at life even under these circumstances. His word says, “Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers” (3 John 1:2, AKJV).

Therefore, be encouraged. Even in the midst of this problem He still wants you to prosper mind, body, and spirit. Here are a few things that you can do now:

1.       Pray to God for His direction. God knows the plans He has for you, so ask for His direction. He may have you dust off some old dreams and work towards making them a reality, or go to counseling to be in good mental shape to experience the next opportunities He has for you, or perhaps He will have you wait patiently on the return of your husband. I don’t know…I’m not God, but whatever He tells you to do, do it. He will greatly reward your obedience (see Joshua 1:8; Deuteronomy 28).

2.       Pray for your husband and his new girlfriend. Say what?! Yes, pray. The bible says that we are to pray for those who despitefully use us. I find that when I pray for someone who has wronged me it helps me to release the bitterness I feel toward them and be in a better position to love and grow.

3.       Don’t cling to the past. In other words, let go of what was. The past is just that, the past. Therefore, resist re-hashing past conversations or feeling guilty about things said or not said. You can certainly learn from your mistakes but you can’t change them. So learn what is to be learned and move on.

4.       Use your time productively. Don’t waste time ruminating on what your husband is doing. If you find it difficult to obtain peace of mind pray, talk with a trusted friend, and/or speak with a counselor. These activities will help you process any negative feelings you might be experiencing as a result of your husband’s rejection.

5.       Don’t make any rash decisions. Sit with God and listen for His response to your prayers. There is no rush. Take this time to heal and grow in your relationship with God.

Lastly, you might also meditate on passages of scripture in Psalm (e.g., Psalm 46:1 (KJV) “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble “).  No matter what, don’t give up on God, or yourself. I am praying your strength and wishing you good success in every area of your life.

Dr. Celeste

I Regret My Affair

QUESTION

 I cheated on my husband and feel so bad. I have not told him. What now?

ANSWER

I am sorry to hear of your dilemma. The road ahead of you won’t be easy, but with God all things are possible.

First and foremost, if you haven’t already, repent. Whenever we sin, we ultimately sin against God. After his affair with Bathsheba, David prayed, “Against you and you alone have I sinned and done this evil in Your sight” (Psalm 51:4a). Therefore, getting your relationship right with God is imperative.

After you have done that, walk in the freedom that forgiveness brings.  People will condemn but God won’t; He says that there is no condemnation in Him. Therefore, now what you have repented you don’t need to “feel so bad” anymore. He loves you no matter what. In fact, He tells us in Proverbs 18:24, that He’s a friend that sticks closer than a brother and in another scripture He says that will never leave or forsake you. Jesus pardoned the sinful woman who anointed his feet with the costly perfume from her alabaster box by simply saying, “Your sins have been forgiven” (Luke 7:48). The same is true for you so again, walk in the freedom that forgiveness brings.

Now you need to address the matter of cheating. The longer you avoid this issue the tougher it will be to address. So the best thing to do is to pray and approach your husband with the news. Believe it or not, it may not come as a surprise to him. From my experience of working with couples, the offended partner has often “sensed” that something was wrong, but without proof they could only guess and wonder. Although the truth hurts, many have reported feeling relieved to finally have some answers.

Here are a few other important factors to consider:

1.       Tell him as soon as God opens the door for you to have this conversation. Don’t delay; it would be much more devastating for him to find out about the affair from some other source.

2.       You have no control over how your husband reacts to this news. Hopefully the two of you can work things out and have a stronger marriage but there is no guarantee of the outcome. However, no matter what, telling him is the right thing to do and don’t live in regret if things don’t go the way you planned or expected.

3.       Consider including a neutral third party like a pastor or Christian counselor who can help the two of you sort out your feelings and explore what factors may have contributed to the affair.

Lastly, keep the faith. God specializes in the impossible. If you follow His plan in this season in your life, He will work it out for your good and cause you to have good success. Be encouraged and please let me know how things turn out for you.

Wishing you God’s good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste