Succeeding at Relationships

If you live long enough someone will hurt you, let you down, and/break a promise. It’s one of the consequences of living in a fallen world; none are perfect but God.

Despite this reality, God designed us to be in relationship with other people. In fact, our success hinges on it. That's right, we need other people to succeed and the Word confirms this truth: “Two are better than one” (Ecclesiastes 4:9a) and “If two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone?” (Ecclesiastes 4:11).

Now take a moment to think about your relationships and ponder the following questions:

1.      Are your relationships healthy and thriving or filled with conflict and pain?

2.      Are those you are connected with encouraging your success or providing stumbling blocks for your failure?

3.      Are you representing Christ well in your relationships?

4.      Do you allow God to determine with whom you associate?

How did you do? For some of you, this short exercise confirmed that you are in good relationships. Perhaps for others of you, some improvement is necessary. If that is the case, don’t despair.  You, too, can enjoy healthy, thriving relationships if you adhere to some basic tenets.

Healthy relationships are:

1.      Christ-centered. To succeed at any relationship you need to make Christ the center.  Period.  Let His life be a demonstration of how you are to be in relationships. Ironically, He not only loved those who were kind to Him but also those who misused and betrayed His trust. Remember a fellow by the name of Judas? Yeah, He loved Him too.

2.       Built on love and respect. You should treat others as you would like to be treated (see Matthew 7:12). But maybe you haven’t learned how to love and often get into relationships that mimic your past unhealthy relationships. Fortunately, God’s word tells us what healthy, loving relationships look like. Love the Bible’s way is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

·         Patient

·         Kind

·         Never envious or boastful

·         Polite

·         Slow to anger

·         Forgiving

·         Honest

·         Protective

·         Trustworthy

Examine your relationships against this barometer. If your relationships fall short, ask God to give you the grace to make the changes you need to make.

3.       Conflict friendly. Conflict in relationships is natural and necessary; it allows for the proper stretching that leads to growth. However, conflict is not about fighting and dominating another person. If your relationships are filled with violence, both physical and emotional, you need to re-evaluate those relationships. That is not God’s design for healthy relationships.
 

4.       Areas where each person can be him/herself. It is God’s job, not yours, to change other people. If you are constantly seeking to change those you are in relationship with, you are wrong. No one has to conform to or live life by your standards because Christ is the standard. Therefore, work on changing you and stop trying to control everyone else.

Lastly, with God’s help you will succeed at relationships—even the challenging ones. He will give you the grace to love the parent who abandoned you, the boss who ignores your talent, or the friend who comes from a dysfunctional family. Nothing is too hard for God.

If you seek God in this area of your life, no matter how painful your history, He will cause your every relationship to succeed (see Proverbs 16:7).

I would love to answer your questions. Please forward them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook. Also please feel free to comment on this post below.

Wishing you God’s good success in every area of your life!
Dr. Celeste

It Will Cost You Something

QUESTION

If I’m really trying to continue to further my relationship with God, does that have to affect my friends & family I have really close relationships with?

ANSWER

If I may read between the lines, I believe you are asking if you will be required to distance yourself from or even severe relationships that compromise your walk with God. If that is correct, the answer is YES.

Truth be told, following Christ requires sacrifice; it will cost you something. “Then He said to them all, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 10:23).

This scripture is not implying that we are to literally carry a cross as Jesus did but instead it’s reminds us that our decision to follow Christ requires some sacrifice and each day we must willingly surrender our will for His.  

But even at the cost of our personal freedom there is so much to be gain including an abundant/prosperous life here on earth. “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it” (Luke 10:24). By way of illustration let me share two brief stories.

My mother accepted Christ as her personal savior in 1976, one year before my father. Needless to say he was less than thrilled to hear of her decision. Nonetheless she remained faithful to her convictions and her unwavering stand for God paid off. My Dad has now been a Christian for about 35 years.

When I met my husband in 1999, he had not yet accepted Christ as his personal savior. Soon after our brief encounter he was deployed to Saudi Arabia. We continued to communicate by email for four months. I vowed to God (unbeknownst to my husband) that if he returned to the states an unbeliever I would severe our relationship. One week before his return he accepted Christ. We have now been happily married for 10 years.

Of course I focused on romantic relationships but this principle of surrender in the area of relationships, applies across the board—be it mother, father, or friend. God wants all of your heart and He will have you put no other god before Him (see Exodus 20:3).

By now you’re probably getting the point—taking a stand for Christ is the best but not so easy choice; the risks are real and you stand to lose some relationships. But my friend, the risk pale in comparison to what you are to gain:

Jesus said, "Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They'll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first." (Mark 10:29-31, Message)

Therefore it behooves you to focus on what’s to gain rather than the potential losses. In other words, don’t let the fear of losing keep you from doing what is right.

I have learned over the years—by much trial and error—that following God pays big and because of my obedience I now live a life worth living. I am no longer plagued by defeat, depression, or indecision. I find good success in all my dealings because I am willing to seek God for His direction and wisdom.  

I pray the same becomes true for you. Take a bold stand for righteousness. Yes, it will cost you something and it will positively and negatively affect the status of your relationships but it will be worth it. In fact, you may even win (for Christ) the ones you fear losing. Whatever the case don’t let the enemy use fear to keep you from living the abundant life God intended for you from the beginning.

I would be delighted to answer your questions. Simply forward them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook.

Also, please feel free to share your story of encouragement below.

Wishing you God’s good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste

Succeeding to the Finish Video

Succeeding to the Finish

Have you ever wanted to give up? Recently I heard a message that really spoke to me. It was entitled, “Faithful in a Finished Place.” The preacher encouraged us to end strong; to see an endeavor through to completion even when the finish doesn’t seem that it will ever come.

You may be there right now; experiencing the frustration of doing all that God has required but not seeing the results. Well join the club. There are times when I feel like Dre—you know, from the Karate Kid—putting on the same jacket over and over again. I sometimes want to scream, “What’s the point God?” But I know He has a point. And if I am patient, the point will be made for the whole world to see.

Frustration comes when you try to use human logic to understand God’s plan. However, the Word clearly states, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8). Therefore if you are going to succeed the way God intended you must release your agenda and patiently wait on Him.

It may not feel like it right now but your patience will pay off; each step you make in obedience to God opens another door. Like Abraham, hope against hope. Although old and childless he believed that God would make him the father of many nations. And God did.

You can’t see it right now but God’s promises are coming to pass with each obedient step. If faithful you will make it to the final finish and succeed beyond your wildest dreams!

What pressing life issue threatens your success? I am answering your questions at info@drcelesteowens.com or you can inbox me on my Facebook page.

Wishing you God's good success in every area of your life!
Dr. Celeste

Unhappily Married

QUESTION

How do I live with a spouse who doesn’t enjoy marriage?

ANSWER

Marriage is hard work, period. Even the best marriages have challenges. However, the marriages that survive are built on key principles: love, solid communication, and compromise. Let’s review each:

1.    LOVE – One of my favorite passages of scripture is I Corinthians 13. It’s regularly quoted at weddings but seldom lived in marriage as it challenges one to express love in a way that goes against his/her instinct.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

See what I mean… unnatural. However if you desire God’s good success in your marriage you will need to meditate on this passage and allow God’s grace to work the impossible in your situation.

REMEDY - Get plenty of support: a pastor, spiritually mature friend and/or Christian counselor. Surround yourself with like-minded people who can encourage you during this difficult season. Also, ask God to help you to love Him, yourself, and your spouse in a way that defies your nature!

2.    COMMUNICATION – This underutilized, yet critical component of a healthy marriage is crucial. If you haven’t already, ask your spouse what makes him/her unhappy in the marriage. If he/she is unable to convey in words the source of their unhappiness pay attention to other telltale signs:   

a.    Has there been any major life changes: unemployment, death of loved one, health problems, etc?

b.    Is your spouse depressed or experiencing some other mental health problem?

c.    Have you changed? Obtained a new job, more spiritually or emotionally healthy? Whatever the changes, perhaps your spouse is reacting to some unmet expectation (i.e., that you would never change). If so, reassure your spouse that you are not leaving them behind or love them any less. Also, make them a part of your new lifestyle. The goal is to grow together, not apart.

3.    COMPROMISE – This is a bad word in our society but many marriages are failing because of our unwillingness to deny our own freedoms or so-called rights. Yet change doesn’t occur without some sacrifice.

REMEDY - Schedule a date night or overnight retreat.  If finances are an issue, set up a private retreat at home. Cook your spouse’s favorite meal (or grab takeout). The goal is to make him/her feel special and valued. During this time ask your spouse if there is something that he/she would like for you to do differently. Remember, don’t react, don’t defend, just listen. Then work on meeting that need if possible.

Lastly, passivity will not change your situation. Envision what you want your marriage to be (even write it down) and work towards that. Ecclesiastes 5:3 reads, “For a dream comes with much business and painful effort, and a fool's voice with many words.” Marriage is hard work but if you persevere you will reap the fruit of your labor (see Galatians 6:9).

I would love to answer your questions too. Please email them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook. Also feel free to leave a comment below.

I am praying that God's good success permeate every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste

I Can't Compete with the Computer

QUESTION

Having been married for more than 10 years, I have come to a spiritually mature place where divorce is not an option although problems in our marriage continue. Just recently I found my husband on a pornographic site. This is not the first time I have “caught him in the act”. Unfortunately, as we have done in the past, we pretended as though nothing happened. Now I am at an impasse; I desire to love my husband through this sin, but I can't compete with the computer... I realize I will never measure up.  Help me to be the wife GOD expects me to be in this trying time.  In myself, I want to stop having sex with him until he gets it together, but that deprives me and my witness (to him). I know pornography is more than just the pursuit, perhaps it is something that he can't let go...but he needs to know how it makes me feel. I need to know why he chooses that over me; we need to think about how our actions affect our children.

ANSWER

You are not alone. Your husband is fighting an addiction that affects the lives of many men. More than 70 percent of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (Media Metrix, Inc.). Unfortunately, Christian men are not exempt. A Promise Keepers’ survey from a 1996 stadium event revealed that 50 percent of men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.
 

Armed with that truth let me apply God’s word to each of your talking points:

...divorce is not an option.

God will honor your commitment. Malachi 2:15-17 reads, "I hate divorce," says the God of Israel. God-of-the-Angel-Armies says, "I hate the violent dismembering of the 'one flesh' of marriage." So watch yourselves. Don't let your guard down. Don't cheat (Message bible).

…we pretend nothing has happened.

Ignoring his addiction to pornography is problematic for several reasons:

1.    It hinders God’s plan for full disclosure and deliverance. God has brought it to the light for a reason (Luke 8:17). Therefore ask Him for the wisdom and guidance as how to proceed (Proverbs 3:6). 

2.    It inadvertently sends the message that this behavior doesn’t bother you as much as you say.

3.    It keeps you for seeking help from other godly people. You, nor he can fight this battle alone. The words tells us that there is safety in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14).

…I desire to love my husband through this sin.
And that you should. God hates sin but not the sinner. He has called us to love everyone, even those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Although your husband has offended you, he has offended God greater. King David cried to God in Psalm 51:7, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”

…I can’t compete with the computer.

You are absolutely right so don’t try. Instead focus on strengthening your relationship with God. He sees and cares about what you are going through. He desires to be your refuge (Psalm 91:1) and strength (Ephesians 6:10).  

…I need to know why he chooses it over me.

His addiction really has nothing to do with you and all to do with a void in his heart that only God can fill. I would venture that his addiction with pornography predates you. Also, I would further submit that when he resist the urge to engage in pornography he engages in other “acceptable” addictions such as eating, drinking, shopping, etc. So remember this has nothing to do with you and all to do with his lack of relationship with God.

…I want to stop having sex with him until he gets it together.

That sounds so logical and some readers are urging you to do just that except it goes against God’s word and not following His word hinders His good success in every area of our lives. I Corinthians 7:5a reads, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time.” This scripture will be easier to embrace when you both stop ignoring the behavior and get real about how his behavior is destroying the marriage and the family.

Also, believing that he can just get his act together allows you to stand in judgment of his behavior. If he could get it together he would; the shame of such an addiction must plague him continuously. Instead pray that God intervenes and breaks this stronghold in your husband’s life.

…withholding sex deprives me and my witness to him.

You have that exactly right. “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives” (I Peter 3:1). Also “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men” (Colossians 3:23). 
 

…our actions affect our children.

Your concern is real. God says we are to have no other gods before Him. An addiction is a god. But when your husband turns his heart back toward God, God promises to show mercy and steadfast love to a thousand generations of those who love and keep His commandments (Exodus: 20:6). Not only will you and your family be blessed by his obedience but generations to come!

…perhaps it’s something he can’t let go of.

He can’t but God can. Matthew 19:26b, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lastly, I urge you to take care of yourself. Seek the help of a professional Christian counselor who can help you to maintain a balanced view of yourself. You are not to blame. I also pray that one day soon you and your husband are able to testify of how God delivered your family from the bondage of this addiction. All the best to you!

Please email your questions to info@drcelesteowens.com.

Praying God's good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste

Something to Prove

For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.

(John 12:43, NKJV)

Do you have something to prove—perhaps to a rejecting parent, unappreciative spouse, or demanding boss?

Is your pursuit of education, marriage, wealth and/or fame directly tied to proving your worth? Well be cautioned. A motivation to succeed rooted in a need to prove yourself will never make you feel valued, accepted, or loved.

In John 17 we read of how Jesus, even at the close of His earthly life, prayed that God would glorify Him (Jesus). Not for any selfish reason but that through Him men would come to know God and be saved.

What a powerful prayer considering that Jesus is God and had much to prove. Yet He humbled Himself even to death on the cross and unselfishly prayed that men would come to know the Father.

Like Jesus, there is no need for you to prove yourself because you are all that God says you are. You are the head and not the tail, the lender and not the borrower, above and not beneath (see Deuteronomy 28:12-13) and He has bestowed upon you glory and honor (John 17:22). You are His child and He wants to use you for a great work.

This is often hard to believe when others have spoken so much negativity into your life but it is the truth. God wants to use you. His word says that He gives grace to the humble and will exalt you in due season if you faint not.

Jesus also knows that pursuing God's plan pays off. As a reward for His sacrifice God has “highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:9-11).

Therefore, release your plan and let God’s voice speak to your heart louder than the pursuit of your endeavor. Vow today to live a live that is worthy of your calling; humble yourself, reevaluate your motives, and know that you have nothing to prove because God approves of you.

I welcome your comments. Also if success eludes you in some area of your life, I may be able to help. Please submit your questions to info@drcelesteowens.com.

Praying God's good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste