QUESTION
How can you help a friend reconsider who she’s about to marry without coming across as hating?
I have a friend who is a really good person and her fiancé seems like a bad match. I know I’m on the outside looking in but is there a way to help her snap out of the fantasy and come into the reality that her husband to be is not a good fit?
They’re not equally yoked (she’s a Christian, he’s Muslim), he displays controlling behavior like making her call exes on speaker phone so he can tell them to leave her alone, and got sloppy drunk at a dinner where he met her mother for the first time. I learned that they met in February and plan to marry and get pregnant before he leaves for a year long deployment to Afghanistan in December.
I’m of the philosophy that if she likes it, I love it, but do I have a responsibility as a friend to warn her or encourage her to weigh her decision more carefully? It just seems neglectful to “mind my own business and stay out of it.”
ANSWER
When we truly love someone we have an obligation to intercede when we see them making a wrong decision. Based on your description, your friend’s relationship is littered with red flags.
One, his controlling behavior is in line with one who has the potential to display intimate partner violence. Men who are most prone to this type of abuse typically have low self-esteem and attempt to cover this emotional defect through control, and over consumption of alcohol.
Another red flag is their lack of religious synchronicity: she’s a Christian and he’s a Muslim. The Word tells us, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 5:14).
So the question is not if you should intercede but how. Here are a few suggestions.
1. Refrain from giving advice. A supervisor once told me that “unsolicited advice is seen as criticism.” For that reason people often feel criticized and/or judged by our untimely advice and in turn unable to receive the message, no matter how right that message might be. Therefore, choose your words carefully and speak in love.
2. Be Aware of Timing. Pray for her and for the role God will have you play in this season of her life. Seek God’s direction and ask Him if and/or when to say something to her. His timing is perfect and if you wait on Him, He will allow you to speak a word to her at the right time, which will benefit her greatly.
3. Ask open ended questions. This line of questioning will help her verbalize her expectations for this relationship. Sometimes women “romanticize” a relationship, but asking her questions like, “Where do you see this relationship going? What are your shared goals? What do you respect about your mate?” will hopefully encourage her to operate in reality.
Remember, “A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity (Proverbs 17: 17). Therefore, no matter what your friend decides, be there for her and love her unconditionally (just as God and so many others have done for you and me). I am wishing you good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste
