I Can't Compete with the Computer

QUESTION

Having been married for more than 10 years, I have come to a spiritually mature place where divorce is not an option although problems in our marriage continue. Just recently I found my husband on a pornographic site. This is not the first time I have “caught him in the act”. Unfortunately, as we have done in the past, we pretended as though nothing happened. Now I am at an impasse; I desire to love my husband through this sin, but I can't compete with the computer... I realize I will never measure up.  Help me to be the wife GOD expects me to be in this trying time.  In myself, I want to stop having sex with him until he gets it together, but that deprives me and my witness (to him). I know pornography is more than just the pursuit, perhaps it is something that he can't let go...but he needs to know how it makes me feel. I need to know why he chooses that over me; we need to think about how our actions affect our children.

ANSWER

You are not alone. Your husband is fighting an addiction that affects the lives of many men. More than 70 percent of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (Media Metrix, Inc.). Unfortunately, Christian men are not exempt. A Promise Keepers’ survey from a 1996 stadium event revealed that 50 percent of men in attendance were involved with pornography within one week of attending the event.
 

Armed with that truth let me apply God’s word to each of your talking points:

...divorce is not an option.

God will honor your commitment. Malachi 2:15-17 reads, "I hate divorce," says the God of Israel. God-of-the-Angel-Armies says, "I hate the violent dismembering of the 'one flesh' of marriage." So watch yourselves. Don't let your guard down. Don't cheat (Message bible).

…we pretend nothing has happened.

Ignoring his addiction to pornography is problematic for several reasons:

1.    It hinders God’s plan for full disclosure and deliverance. God has brought it to the light for a reason (Luke 8:17). Therefore ask Him for the wisdom and guidance as how to proceed (Proverbs 3:6). 

2.    It inadvertently sends the message that this behavior doesn’t bother you as much as you say.

3.    It keeps you for seeking help from other godly people. You, nor he can fight this battle alone. The words tells us that there is safety in a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14).

…I desire to love my husband through this sin.
And that you should. God hates sin but not the sinner. He has called us to love everyone, even those who mistreat us (Matthew 5:44). Although your husband has offended you, he has offended God greater. King David cried to God in Psalm 51:7, “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”

…I can’t compete with the computer.

You are absolutely right so don’t try. Instead focus on strengthening your relationship with God. He sees and cares about what you are going through. He desires to be your refuge (Psalm 91:1) and strength (Ephesians 6:10).  

…I need to know why he chooses it over me.

His addiction really has nothing to do with you and all to do with a void in his heart that only God can fill. I would venture that his addiction with pornography predates you. Also, I would further submit that when he resist the urge to engage in pornography he engages in other “acceptable” addictions such as eating, drinking, shopping, etc. So remember this has nothing to do with you and all to do with his lack of relationship with God.

…I want to stop having sex with him until he gets it together.

That sounds so logical and some readers are urging you to do just that except it goes against God’s word and not following His word hinders His good success in every area of our lives. I Corinthians 7:5a reads, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time.” This scripture will be easier to embrace when you both stop ignoring the behavior and get real about how his behavior is destroying the marriage and the family.

Also, believing that he can just get his act together allows you to stand in judgment of his behavior. If he could get it together he would; the shame of such an addiction must plague him continuously. Instead pray that God intervenes and breaks this stronghold in your husband’s life.

…withholding sex deprives me and my witness to him.

You have that exactly right. “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives” (I Peter 3:1). Also “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men” (Colossians 3:23). 
 

…our actions affect our children.

Your concern is real. God says we are to have no other gods before Him. An addiction is a god. But when your husband turns his heart back toward God, God promises to show mercy and steadfast love to a thousand generations of those who love and keep His commandments (Exodus: 20:6). Not only will you and your family be blessed by his obedience but generations to come!

…perhaps it’s something he can’t let go of.

He can’t but God can. Matthew 19:26b, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Lastly, I urge you to take care of yourself. Seek the help of a professional Christian counselor who can help you to maintain a balanced view of yourself. You are not to blame. I also pray that one day soon you and your husband are able to testify of how God delivered your family from the bondage of this addiction. All the best to you!

Please email your questions to info@drcelesteowens.com.

Praying God's good success in every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste