Unhappily Married

QUESTION

How do I live with a spouse who doesn’t enjoy marriage?

ANSWER

Marriage is hard work, period. Even the best marriages have challenges. However, the marriages that survive are built on key principles: love, solid communication, and compromise. Let’s review each:

1.    LOVE – One of my favorite passages of scripture is I Corinthians 13. It’s regularly quoted at weddings but seldom lived in marriage as it challenges one to express love in a way that goes against his/her instinct.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

See what I mean… unnatural. However if you desire God’s good success in your marriage you will need to meditate on this passage and allow God’s grace to work the impossible in your situation.

REMEDY - Get plenty of support: a pastor, spiritually mature friend and/or Christian counselor. Surround yourself with like-minded people who can encourage you during this difficult season. Also, ask God to help you to love Him, yourself, and your spouse in a way that defies your nature!

2.    COMMUNICATION – This underutilized, yet critical component of a healthy marriage is crucial. If you haven’t already, ask your spouse what makes him/her unhappy in the marriage. If he/she is unable to convey in words the source of their unhappiness pay attention to other telltale signs:   

a.    Has there been any major life changes: unemployment, death of loved one, health problems, etc?

b.    Is your spouse depressed or experiencing some other mental health problem?

c.    Have you changed? Obtained a new job, more spiritually or emotionally healthy? Whatever the changes, perhaps your spouse is reacting to some unmet expectation (i.e., that you would never change). If so, reassure your spouse that you are not leaving them behind or love them any less. Also, make them a part of your new lifestyle. The goal is to grow together, not apart.

3.    COMPROMISE – This is a bad word in our society but many marriages are failing because of our unwillingness to deny our own freedoms or so-called rights. Yet change doesn’t occur without some sacrifice.

REMEDY - Schedule a date night or overnight retreat.  If finances are an issue, set up a private retreat at home. Cook your spouse’s favorite meal (or grab takeout). The goal is to make him/her feel special and valued. During this time ask your spouse if there is something that he/she would like for you to do differently. Remember, don’t react, don’t defend, just listen. Then work on meeting that need if possible.

Lastly, passivity will not change your situation. Envision what you want your marriage to be (even write it down) and work towards that. Ecclesiastes 5:3 reads, “For a dream comes with much business and painful effort, and a fool's voice with many words.” Marriage is hard work but if you persevere you will reap the fruit of your labor (see Galatians 6:9).

I would love to answer your questions too. Please email them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook. Also feel free to leave a comment below.

I am praying that God's good success permeate every area of your life,
Dr. Celeste