I Want to Cheat! Cry for Help or Brazen Arrogance?

QUESTION

How do you deal with a spouse who tells you they would like to have extramarital affairs? Both spouses love each other and do not want a divorce, but what is the solution, if any?

ANSWER

Hum… very interesting question. I don’t know whether to tell you to run or applaud your spouse for his/her honesty.

But seriously, my first thought was to suggest that this “confession” was a cry for help, but when I presented this scenario to my husband his take was all together different. So here are our views.

1.       The Cry for Help Scenario (Dr. Celeste): When two are in relationship they come to interact in a way that is specific to them; a dance of sorts. When this dance is dysfunctional, it can be devastating to the psyche and emotional health of the couple. Sometimes in an effort to shake things up one spouse will do or say something drastic (e.g., I would like to have an extramarital affair; I am going to commit suicide if you leave me, etc.). These extreme moments only offer brief relief from the status quo because when the drama has passed, without the proper intervention the dance picks back up right where it left off.

In terms of gender, women are typically more prone to the cry for help style of communicating while men generally say what they mean. Of course this is not true across the board just a generalization used to provide a frame of reference.

What’s most important is that you begin to understand your relationship and how the two of you communicate, either verbally or non-verbally. Look out for patterns and make a conscious effort to respond differently. It is a fact that when one person changes it forces the other person to change as well.

2.       The “We Teach People How to Treat Us” Scenario (Andel Owens): From the very start of a relationship we teach people how to treat us. Through both word and deed, we demonstrate to others how much or how little we value ourselves. If we allow a people to mistreat or take advantage of us at the beginning of a relationship, they will typically continue that behavior on into the relationship. What’s even worst, the maltreatment often increases over time. For that reason, Andel suggests that the foundation for mistreatment in this marriage started way before the confession.

So here are some questions to ponder. Is this confession just brazen arrogance? Can one actually believe that he/she can cheat and remain married like nothing ever happened? In most cases no, but in a marriage where one person has failed to put up proper boundaries this type of behavior can flourish.  

However, there is hope. We would suggest that you pray and ask the Spirit to guide you. Proverbs 3:6 reads, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” God knows what you need to do, so ask. Also, I prayer that I often say is, “God show me me.” It’s a powerful prayer that has helped me to view my problems from a different vantage point. I hope it does the same for you.

Lastly, seek outside help from a counselor, close friend, or minister. Isolation is not your friend with such challenges you are experiencing, so seek help. Remember, your marriage can thrive and do a new dance with the proper guidance.

Perhaps you have an alternative viewpoint or would simply like to add to the discussion. Please feel free to comment below.

We are wishing you good success on your journey,
Dr. Celeste and my favorite guy in the whole wide world Andel J