Frustrated with One-way Friendships

QUESTION

In relationships I am a tad sensitive when the Golden Rule isn't applied. As a result, I have ended two major friendships because it felt like I was investing more than they were which is fine at times, but becomes offensive when it characterizes the relationship and is noticed by others. I kind of separated myself from both relationships and in one of the relationships I sat down to talk with her a couple of times, but I hit the breaking point a few months ago. I'm realizing that I don't understand relationships as well as I thought I did. I thought that if I showed love, went out of my way, basically made myself available when they were in need, then they would also do the same, etc. But we all know that's not the way life works.

So how am I to have successful relationships when I feel like I’m doing my part but it isn't reciprocated? I definitely know relationships aren't always 50/50, but what do you do when you're mindful of filling there "love tank", but yours is neglected and remains on "E"? A successful relationship is a two way street, right? I'm feeling like I did something wrong because I let go of the relationships and didn't accept them for who they were...

ANSWER

Understanding that there are varying degrees of friendship helps. In the New Testament we learn a great deal about the dynamics of relationships by reading about Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy.

It is said that we are to be a Barnabas (friend), pursue a Paul (mentor), and train a Timothy (mentee; see the book of Acts). These terms are often used in the context of ministry development but I think they are also applicable to our platonic relationships.

This philosophy has helped me to understand the dynamics of my own relationships. Some years back I was in a few challenging friendships; I had started to feel frustrated and drained. I knew something had to change. Thus I re-evaluated my friendships by the above mentioned criteria and began to understand why some of my friendships were so lopsided (i.e., I was Paul to some). Armed with this knowledge, I was able to re-group and approach those friendships with lower expectations.

Another important point to remember is that we are in some relationships for merely a season. In the book of Ruth after Naomi had lost her husband and two sons she urged her daughters-in-law to return to their country of origin. Orpah gladly complied but Ruth would not be persuaded (Ruth 1: 16-17).

      But Ruth said:

      “ Entreat me not to leave you,
      Or to turn back from following after you;
      For wherever you go, I will go;
      And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
      Your people shall be my people,
      And your God, my God.

     Where you die, I will die,
      And there will I be buried.
      The LORD do so to me, and more also,
      If anything but death parts you and me.”

I guess Ruth was determined to be a friend for life! And she had to be; their destinies were intricately tied. Orpah, on the other hand wasn’t a flake, she just understood that their season had ended.

So you have ended two longing-standing relationships. If you are reasonably sure that you are in God’s will move on and don’t wallow in guilt. Doing what God requires is not always easy but obedience is always rewarded.

For others, if you, too, are at a crossroads I encourage you to re-evaluate your relationships. If after careful consideration you discover that you are always a Paul and always giving out, you need to seek God for balance. You are not called to be in a continual state of outpour; you need someone pouring into you too.

If you discover instead that your season has ended with certain individuals have the courage to make a change. Remember you don’t want to hinder the fulfillment of your destiny or someone else’s by staying tied to a relationship that has ended. Furthermore, moving on makes room for the right people to join you for this leg of your race.

I would also love to answer your questions. Please forward them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook. Also please feel free to comment on this post below.

Wishing you God’s good success in every area of your life!
Dr. Celeste