Can you Hear me Now?

QUESTION

How do I communicate with a spouse that does not want to? Do I back off and let them have time to themselves (which could be dangerous and cause for separation)? I understand that nagging and begging to get answers does not work either, and praying is the best thing to do. But do you just ignore the issues you have in your relationship or try to find another avenue to get your spouse's attention?

ANSWER

For this circumstance ignoring is not the answer; this problem will require active, consistent attention and care. If you are to succeed at rebuilding this relationship, you must actively seek God for His plan and not lean to your own understanding (Proverbs 3:6). It is abundantly clear (at least to me) by the way you phrased the question that you are participating in the latter. So let me help by breaking down each of your questions.

1. How do I communicate with a spouse that does not want to?

Whomever said communication is all about words is lying. Only a small percentage (7% to be exact) of communication involves words. In fact, a greater portion of our message is communicated through body language (55%) and vocals (38%; pitch, tone of voice).

The word confirms this truth. In 1 Peter 3:1-2 we are thus instructed:

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

Without a word…they observe the chaste conduct…you and God win...need I say more?

2. I understand that nagging and begging to get answers does not work either, and praying is the best thing to do.

Amen, absolutely correct. Prayer trumps nagging every time. James 1:20 tells us that “the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” You can talk and nag until you are blue in the face but those behaviors will not produce the change you seek. Indeed you need God to intervene in a supernatural way. Therefore let Him instruct you, through prayer, on how you are interact with your spouse.

3. But do you just ignore the issues you have in your relationship or try to find another avenue to get your spouse's attention?

You find another avenue.

Relationships are funny little things that require two people to maintain their dynamic. Therefore when one changes (in this case it will be you) the other person has to change.

Right now your relationship is probably on autopilot; simply mimicking the beliefs you learned in childhood about marriage. I would suspect that your spouse witnessed at least one of his/her parents regularly shutting down in marriage. In your case, I would guess that you have a family history of divorce (*indicated by your own words: “Do I back off and let them have time to themselves, [which could be dangerous and cause for separation].” See further explanation below).

Therefore, operating on autopilot, would prove disastrous. You need to believe and do something different; God will show you what to do.

First, He wants you to know that you are not desperate and not without hope. You serve a God who has ALL power and can make the impossible--possible, if you only believe. He said in Isaiah 49:23b, "Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” That’s a promise!

So do not fear but move into action. Here are a few suggestions:

1.      Take time to reflect on key scriptures that will encourage you in the area of marriage.

2.      Recall God’s promises to you about marriage and recite they back to Him.

3.      Do something different: smile more, make their favorite meal, invite them on a date, etc. Showing love will make its intended impact and soften their defenses.

4.      Surround yourself with those that can give you godly advice. Even consider a Christian counselor for yourself to help you sort out your feelings.

Lastly, God's desire for your marriage far exceeds your wildest imaginations (see Ephesians 3:20) and He has given you everything you need to succeed. You don’t have to be a statistic; your marriage can thrive and prosper with God’s help. Just let Him have His way and then your spouse will hear you and Him!

I would also love to answer your questions. Please forward them to info@drcelesteowens.com or inbox me on Facebook. Also, please feel free to comment below.

Wishing you God’s good success in every area of your life!
Dr. Celeste

*Backing off to give another space shouldn’t produce the fear of separation/divorce. Brief spurts of emotional disconnection are typical and often necessary in a marriage.

Recommended Reading: Marriage from A to Z, Carolyn Tatem